Supporting friends and family through cancer

If one of your friends or family has cancer, you may be wondering what the best way would be to support them. Even though you want to help, it can be hard to know exactly what to say or do.

In this article, we will give you ideas of ways to support the people you care about through cancer.

Trust yourself to know what’s best

You know your family and friends better than anyone else. Remember, there are no set rules – every relationship is different, and you will know your unique dynamic. Let that guide you as you try to support your loved one.

The suggestions below will give you a starting point of ideas to help you choose things you think would help them the most.

Processing your own feelings

It’s important that you process your own feelings to be able to best support your loved one. Learning that someone you care about has cancer can be difficult news to hear. You may feel a lot of emotions, such as grief, sadness, anger, despair, or fear. Take time to acknowledge and cope with your own emotions about the diagnosis before you see or talk to them. This way, you can keep the focus on them, and you will not unintentionally burden them with your emotions.

It can also be helpful to prepare yourself for changes in their appearance. Fatigue, weight loss, and hair loss are common side effects of cancer and many of its treatments. When you see them, you could say "It's good to see you", instead of commenting on any physical changes you notice.

Things to avoid

Be willing to accept what the person going through cancer wants to share with you, and what they want to keep to themselves. They may not want to talk about the details of their diagnosis for many reasons. It can be physically and emotionally tiring to repeat the same information to many different people. They may prefer that someone else speaks to you about certain things – for example they may ask that a spouse, family member or other mutual friend gives you updates on their health.

If there is information that you don’t know, do not push for more. Instead, if you need peace of mind, you could do some research online, taking information from credible websites – such as Macmillan, the NHS website, or Cancer Research UK – to learn more about the specific treatment, side effects, and recovery to have a better idea of what they may be going through. You can also search through Reframe’s Information Hub, or speak to one of our Cancer Nurse Specialists who can answer any questions or concerns.

The things that you say can also make a difference. These phrases can be unhelpful or even harmful, and should be avoided:

• I know just how you feel.
• I know just what you should do.
• I'm sure you'll be fine.
• I know you'll fight this.

Things to say

You may feel worried about saying the ‘wrong thing’, but don’t be afraid to talk with your friend or relative. It is better to say, "I don't know what to say", than to stop calling or visiting someone out of fear of not choosing the ‘right words’. Continue to be yourself – staying genuine and honest.

Don’t be embarrassed to ask what they would like from you – it’s important to understand their wishes and seek permission. Before visiting, giving advice, and asking questions, ask if it is welcome. Be sure to make it clear that there is no pressure, and saying no is perfectly okay.

Even if you don’t normally see someone regularly, you could check in by phone call, video call, text message, or email to show that you care. Your friend or relative will reply when they feel up to it. Find out how they’d like you to keep in touch, so they can reply in a way that’s easiest for them.

When you see them or speak to them, come ready to talk about something completely unrelated to cancer. You could ask about their interests, hobbies, or anything they enjoy talking about. People going through treatment often need a break from talking about the disease.

If you’re unsure of things to say, here are some ways to show your support:

• I'm sorry this has happened to you.
• If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.
• I care about you.
• I'm thinking of you.

Keep doing the things you would normally do together

It’s often the little things that mean the most. Continuing to do the things that you normally do together after a cancer diagnosis is a great way to help your family and friends retain some normality through an uncertain time.

After cancer treatment, they will be trying to find their ‘new normal’, and relationships are an important part of that.

• Schedule a night of takeout food and movies together.
• Go for a walk together.
• Support them if they decide to participate in a fundraiser, try new hobbies or other activities. Offer to go with them, or ask them questions about their new interests.
• Think about the little things they enjoy that make life "normal" for them and find ways to continue doing those things together.

Offering practical help

Cancer and its treatment can affect people in many ways – both emotionally and physically. This may impact someone’s ability to do things they did before, if they have less strength or energy, have difficulty concentrating or are struggling with their emotions. Offering practical help is a great way to support someone to ease any pressure if day-to-day tasks have become more difficult for them.

When offering help, try to be specific about what you’d like to do for them. Asking “how can I help?” can be too broad and overwhelming, and puts the pressure on them to think of something they need.

These suggestions will give you some ideas to get started:

• Do their grocery shopping.
• Pick up prescriptions.
• Help with chores around the house, like cleaning or laundry.
• Cook dinner for them and drop it off at their house. Ask beforehand about dietary restrictions, as well as what tastes good to them as treatment might change their taste buds and appetite.
• If they have children, offer help with childcare. That could be longer periods of time to take care of the children, or things like taking the children to and from school, nursery, or activities.
• Drive them to and from appointments. You can also offer to be there during an appointment to support them if they want. It can be helpful to have someone else at the appointment to listen to the information being given by clinicians, as some people find it difficult to remember everything that was said afterwards.

Remember that your family or friend's needs may change, so be flexible in shifting your plans as needed.

Being there for your friend or relative

There are simple ways you can give much needed emotional support to your family or friend going through cancer.

• Make plans and be flexible. Do not be afraid to make plans. This gives them something to look forward to – which is really important to help them have a positive focus through treatment which can be long and tiring. The effects of cancer can be unpredictable, so it’s best to make flexible plans that are easy to change in case they need to cancel or reschedule.
• Laugh together. Be silly and fun when appropriate and when needed. A light conversation, a funny story, or a silly video can help to lift everyone’s mood.
• Allow for sadness. Do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings if they come up. You may not be able to fix it, but you can provide comfort by just being with them and listening.
• Check in and offer to help. Make time for a check-in phone call or text message. Your loved one can respond to you whenever they feel up to it.

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